Introduction

My name is Ashley.  I am a transgender woman and the daughter of Transwoman.

I have know I was different since the age of 5, when I started kindergarten.  I am the oldest of 4 children my parents had .  My early years was normal.  My sister is 2 years younger than I am and I always  played with her.  We play house ( a game where you pretend to run a household)  we would always argue about “who is Mom”   My sister kept telling me that I could not be the “mom” because I was a boy.  I told her I was not  and the we would argue about that.  I would give in and play the “dad”.  I have 2 brothers that I had to share a room with.  I hardly played with them early in our lives.

When I started school I had only played with my sister to that point.  I went to a Catholic school.  Everything was great until it was time to line up.  Boys in one line and girls in the other.  I stood in the girl’s line.  Everyone was laughing at me.  I did not understand why.  The teacher, a nun,  was not pleased.  She told that I was in the girl’s line.  I told her I knew that.  She told me I could not be in the girl’s line because I was a boy.  I knew better than to argue with a nun.  Learned that in Sunday School. I moved in to the boy’s line crying.  The recess that followed was hell.

The kids were not nice even for 5 years old.  They would say I was a sissy, some said I was crazy,  some said I was not allowed to play.  I just sat in the corner and cried.  The Teacher asked me what was wrong.  I would not tell her.  I was not about to be a tattletale.  She took me the Principle, the priest.  He asked what was wrong.  I knew not to tell him.  I have already had the speech about how God made me a boy that is what I am.  If I defied that I as a sinner.  He asked if I was getting along with the other boys,  not that I wanted to.  I said I don’t know them yet.  They said they want to call my parents.  I begged them not to.  My dad was not afraid to wipe me.  Different time then now.  They let me go back to class after I stopped crying.  I knew that from that point on I could not let anyone know how I felt.  I put it deep into my thoughts that no one with ever know I  told  myself .  I was wrong.

Just before my senior year I was enlighten to what I was.  The day before school was going to resume, a big year for me, my parents gathered all of the kids in the living room.  They had BIG news.  They told us they were going to get a divorce.  I could not believe what I was hearing.  Dad then dropped a huge secret.  He was a transsexual and was becoming a woman.    WHAT….He is doing what.  He explained what that means.  That is the last time I will refer to my father as he.  I understood everything she was talking about.  She was describing me.  She asked if we had any questions.  I could not keep quite.  I asked “Is it hereditary?”   She said “I am not sure, why?”  I almost shared my deepest secret, but I was not comfortable saying.  I replied “Nothing”

I had a name for what I am.  I was determined to see if I could find any information on what that was.  I went to the library and tried to find any book or magazine, we did not have the internet yet, that discusses what it means to be a transsexual.  There was nothing.   I had friends that were in the gay community.  One was a good friends.  He was the only one that knew my secret.  He told me what he knew.  That all the trans people were older.  Like my father.  My friend asked if I was going to “come out”  I did not know what he meant.  He told me that it meant telling the secret.  I told him not at this time.  I wanted my father to finish first.

When I got married,  I am not sure why I asked.  I had just moved into her apartment and thought that is what I was supposed to do. To my surprise she said yes. When the wedding day I did not want to go.  My brother carried me to the car.  When we said “I do” I was saying on the inside “NOOOOO”.  It was done I was married.  After 6 years of rocky marriage we were given a gift.  My son.   I had to be there for my son.   I was distant the last trimester because I want to be in her shoes.  but when I held my angel for the first time I wanted to be the best father I could be..  We name him Aaron.  I was good for a few years but my thoughts were getting extremely hard to kept it quite.  My grandfather passed away when Aaron was 5. I told my wife that I had to go to the funeral.  She agreed and booked the flight.  He was my Idol.   I have never cried that hard.  He was my rock.  He was my father figure.  He was gone.  When I returned to my family things were different.  I was different.

I thought everything was ok,  I was wrong.  My wife was upset at my behavior.  I had become distant and not involved.  The thoughts were getting in the way.  She suggested the we go to therapy.  I still could not tell my secret.  The therapy failed.  She thought I should see a therapist on my own.   I did and it was then I learned that I have ADHD.  The therapist thought that was the issue in our relationship.  He was probably right but I will never know.  After 6 weeks she told me that she was leaving and taking my son.  I begged her to stay, but she did not. We started the divorce and we both moved.  We were working together to keep Aaron happy.

I came out to my father first.  She was surprised.  She told me that I need to see a gender therapist.  She thought this was a fetish.  I think to this day she does not believe me but is being supportive.  I did what she said.  I looked into finding a Gender Therapist.  I found one and made an appointment.  She confirmed I was transgender, the new name for it.  We made a plan to go full time as me.  The first thing I had to do is tell everyone.  I called my ex-wife.  Told her over the phone.  She was upset.  She said it would be ok if I did not go out in public with her.  I told her that would not work.. I was going to go full time.  We agreed we need the divorce.  I told Aaron on his next visit.  He did not understand  I tried to explain it but made things worse.  The rest of my siblings were ok with it.  They kind of knew after my last visit,  I was were girl jeans and panties.  Then it was time to tell mother.  I remember how she reacted to dad the first time.  I was worried about it to the point that made me sick.  I saved her for last.  I was repaired to be rejected.  I told her I was coming over to tell her something big.

The drive to her house was the longest drive I have ever been on.  It was only an hour but felt like 4 hours.  I built up the courage to get out of the car and go in the house.  I hugged her and start to cry.  She asked what was wrong.  I sat her down and then I sat down.  “Mom I have something important I need to tell you” I said.  She asked “What?”.  I start asking questions about my childhood.  She answered all of them.  She could tell where this was heading.  I said “Mom I am a girl, I am a woman”.  She said, to my surprise “I know”  WHAT?  SHE KNEW?   She explained that it has always been me and my sister and the boys.  She was right. I asked how long she knew.  She told me when I asked the question when my father came out.  I love my mother more than I can say.  So it was a go!!!!

In April of 2012 I became, or just came out, Ashley.  My employer put the employees through a training about me and that I was to be treated as a Woman.  It was good after I came out.  For awhile.  We had a change in management and they did not like me.  So I no longer worked there anymore.  Before that happened my world fell apart.  My ex was not happy that I lied to her for 11 years. She used that I am Trans  to take my son away from me.  I could not have him overnight.  My heart was broken again.  He assured me that he loves me and everything would be ok.  I love that little boy.  I ended up moving back to Texas to be close to my support system, my family.  I had to leave Aaron in California.  I talk to him regularly and will get him to visit very soon.

In this blog  I am also going to talk about Transgender Issues , ADHD issues, Depression and Anxiety.